Divorce is Bad for Your Health

[muck_a_luck]

My boss posts about divorce and health today in his journal.

I wonder about "divorce" as the causal factor.

People who eventually divorce were in a relationship that was probably under strain for long periods of time - even years. As the study points out, heart disease and diabetes are conditions developed under long periods of stress. So is the "divorce" the causal factor, or is the problem living in a negative emotional situation - one SO BAD it leads you to the socially difficult result of an actual divorce?

If humans are naturally serially monogamous (as Boss and many others believe), then being unable to move freely from one relationship to another might be quite stressful. Social restraints make us fight our natural urge to move on, resulting in an unnatural struggle first to maintain the deteriorating relationship (in many cases, this period lasts over a year, and even years), then to bring that relationship to a socially acceptable conclusion (often involving at minimum a one year separation, and then a financially expensive litigation that can drag out much longer).

What would be the health benefits if we could just freely quit the dying relationship and move to the next one?

I note the never-marrieds do not show the problems with stress-related conditions. One presumes most never-married's relationships to have been more casual, and thus probably less emotionally damaging when they deteriorate - I would suggest because it's a lot easier to get out when you aren't legally tied together.

Comments

[zats-clear.livejournal.com]

humans are naturally serially monogamous - well, I suppose. I always assumed it was that way until you tired of the serial part...a really bad joke about guys settling for one box comes to mind but that would involve a palindrome

(as Boss and many others believe) - I just love Boss.

Health benefits would be, imho, greatly reduced by the health negatives to the children involved, which would then translate to health negatives to the adults they become.

I wonder if there is a society where this is prevalent and therefore allows for the study of the long-term ramifications

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I couldn't find the link to that other study from Sweden showing that divorce is actually BAD for children.

[zats-clear.livejournal.com]

I can tell you anecdotally - it is horrible. Even if it was all you knew, it is horrible.

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Fundamental problem here is assuming that humans are "programmed" to be serially monogamous. I just don't think this is the case.

(Oh, and remind me tomorrow to update the blog tagline on the "About" page.)

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Well, humans probably aren't programmed to be anything. We're a pretty complex mix of nature v. nurture, with social constructs thrown in for added amusement.

Still, there does seem to be something different about people who get divorced. And I still like the idea that it is the long-term demise of the relationship that is bad enough to end in a divorce, rather than the event of "divorce" itself. The "serial monogamy" hypothesis is a red herring, more a rumination.

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

I wish there was a study about unhappy marriages, comparing people who get divorced to people who attempt to stick it out. I think that would be more telling than "all marriages that last" versus "all marriages that don't".

And quite honestly, divorce/not-divorce is such a cultural thing, anyway. In Chinese culture, the entire community will lean on a couple to keep them together, because individual happiness (as the West sees it) is considered to be less important than the community's coherence.

Catholicism does not allow divorce under any circumstances, but it is possible to get an annulment -- basically, to cancel the marriage and act as if it had never existed -- under certain circumstances (for example, if one spouse wants children and the other does not).

By contrast, Judaism -- even at the most orthodox -- allows for something called a get, wherein one spouse can ask the community at large to allow hir to divorce hir spouse. Like other aspects of Jewish culture, the spouse requesting divorce is required to ask hir spouse up to three times for hir to grant the get. If the spouse refuses all three times, the community can grant the get without the second person's consent.

[zats-clear.livejournal.com]

I can tell you that, despite my MIL being a complete lunatic, husband survived to become quite well adjusted growing up with two parents that hate each other but will never divorce. I, on the other hand, had so frickin' much baggage on so very many levels that I did not pull my head out of my ass until I was at least 31 and on some issues, even well after I married said well-adjusted man.

Yeah, I just so want to see how many daughters of divorced parents had ... issues. But do I really want to open that discussion up.

*ponders*

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

I'm just starting into the world of serious, long-term relationships, but I can tell you that the fact that my parents are theoretically separating (admittedly, they told me this three years ago, and nothing's happened since then) has kind of put me off relationships in general. I suspect watching the friends of mine who are getting married be happy should help that some.

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Told you three years ago, eh? Nice of them to give you the heads up. *rolls eyes*

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Shit, I have no idea what they're doing. From what they've both told me, Dad just wanted to try separating, and Mum told him that if he left he couldn't come back. Dad's been sleeping on the fold-out couch in the family room for...longer than I can remember. I wish they'd just shit or get off the pot, honestly, since I'm tired of having to be the grown-up.

[zats-clear.livejournal.com]

my sympathies!

I can tell you the issues for young girls extend much deeper than the divorcing (and remarrying) adult cares to contemplate. Trust, intuitive sexual development, non-biological male(s) in the household, self-worth...just to name a few. You are, at least, fortunate they waited until later in your life. It f's up fewer things in general for you.

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm completely fucked up when it comes to sex and relationships, but for other reasons. :D

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

I need to see if the link to that Swedish study is still on our website. Couldn't find it quickly this morning.

Anecdotal evidence is totally unreliable. It's all over the map. Asking you about hte experience of children of divorce is like asking you what "women" think about something. You know what happened to you, and what you think. You may know a handful of people, but that's hardly a scientific sample. But as I recall the Swedish report said as long as there was not "abuse" in the home, that children faired better with unhappily married parents than with happily divorced ones.

Though again, it somewhat begs the question. If a couple can hold themselves together and manage not to divorce, no matter how they do it, is their relationship in a better situation than the couple that just can't do it anymore? Do children of relationship one stay healthier than children of relationship two because the relationship is less stressful, rather than simply because their parents stayed together. What about couples that are civil to each other after, where custody and visitation are handled well, v. couples that are constantly at each other's throats? I'm gonna dig up that link...

And of course, chidren and parents aren't experiencing the relationships the same way, either. What might be in the best interests of one might not be in the best interests of the other. Though the two studies combined seem to suggest that divorce is bad for everybody.

All that said, if you could be healthy and completely miserable, or less healthy and happy, which would you choose (leaving children out of the equation). Most of the people I know who are divorcing aren't just doing it on a whim.

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Found it!

But it was not exactly what I remembered. Single parenting as a whole, not post-divorce parenting.

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Ha. But I'm pretty sure a Catholic annulment does not allow remarriage. Must ask Husband.

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Yes, it does. Have friend-of-family who got the annulment especially so she could marry (again) within the Church. An annulment completely cancels the first marriage, so the Church doesn't even see it as a remarriage, since the first one never happened.

[azramoon.livejournal.com]

I think you have to break this down further, between men and women. Men do better in marriage and women do better single.....health-wise. I'm not sure exactly how each do while divorcing, though I do know that stress is the cause of illness (it's called The Stress Response). I would guess that the stress of a negative relationship is the cause of any illness and divorce is just the icing on the cake (bitter icing at that).