I am a born-again Christian

[muck_a_luck]

rhodynne asked me about my thoughts on religion.

As some of you may be aware, I am a born again Christian. When I was about ten, I was witnessed by a little girl who found out I was an atheist. She said, but if you don't believe in God and Christ, you'll go to Hell!

Well, that sounded like a pretty bad proposition, and I've been a Christian ever since.


I've read the King James Bible two and a half times. But I have never been part of an organized sect – mostly attending church with others – Methodists, Presbyterians and Catholics, mostly.

That said, I'm not incredibly comfortable with my faith.

I do truly believe. The witnessing, stupid as it was, stuck. I pray every day, and I believe someone hears those prayers.

But otherwise, I'm a very un-superstitious person. Friday the 13th and other "unlucky" days get a big shrug from me. I love big, huge storms and don't hesitate to wish for them guiltlessly, because just because I like them and wish they would happen more often means nothing. Storms occur because of atmospheric conditions that I can't impact with my brain. I don't believe in supernatural things like ghosts. I don't believe in tarot cards or other types of oracles, beyond the power of such things to bring to order the thoughts we already have about ourselves and the future inside our own minds. I don't believe in karma, or magic, or lucky streaks that can be broken, or unlucky things that I can say that will cause something bad to happen. I honestly don't. Stuff happens. There are physical laws of the universe that we can understand about why they happen. I'm very easy with that.

And yet. I am terrified of the idea of eternal punishment. The thought of a traditional Hell can mentally stop me dead in my tracks. Because I believe it goes hand in hand with God. So.

Hell is a huge risk to the living believer. Because what if you get it wrong. Most of us are born into our faith and assume that we are right because we have been taught we are right by other faithful who also taught us to do basic, fundamental things like eat and use the toilet. I don't have that sort of internal strength of faith, that perfect knowledge of being right.

What about the people in Peru who believe that in order to leave this plane of existence, you must find every hair that you ever lost? My ghost would be wandering here forever.

What about South Park, where God tells everybody, Yes, the Mormons. The answer was, The Mormons, and then He sends everybody else to hell?

Why is my believe and faith more true than those scenarios? I have not good answer for that, and there are times were I am terrified that I will be eternally punished because I got it wrong.

There are other times when I take some comfort in the idea that if I've gotten it wrong, at least there's also an incredibly good chance that there is just nothing beyond this life and body and I will die and go to the peace of nothingness.

So sometimes I feel like Hume. Some days I feel like I am creating a safety net for myself, learning faith by rote, making a habit of my belief so deep that it is real and just in case God is really there, I will have met the technical requirements to get into Heaven and avoid Hell.

But it just seems impossible to me that this all just exists, with no Creator.

And yet, stepping back, why should there be a Creator that exists with no Creator? I feel the irrationality of faith. The total lack of logic. The arrogance of the sentient being who wants to justify her own existence beyond survival and reproduction by giving nature and the universe a sentient Creator.

But that feeling won't go away. So I go with it.

I know there are people who cannot accept a complicated relationship like this to God and faith. These people would say that I am in a crisis of faith that will land me in Hell anyway if I can't get it resolved pronto – usually by embracing whatever theistic view they have to offer.

I'm also sure there are plenty of priests and ministers out there who would say that I suffer from a terrible sin of pride, and all I need to do is surrender my soul and faith truly to one of them so they can tell me how to resolve all these conflicts.

It is fairly easy for me to dismiss those people, though. They are just human, like me. They are not God, though they claim to represent Him. But lots of people would like me to give them the power of God over my self, my body, and my soul, and I'm not real interested in giving that power to other people. I was born outside religious structure, was not trained to it, and now, am too old to learn how to give that kind of power to another person or organization.

I also am a feminist. And I see in religion all the power being brought to bear to control me and subjugate my fertility and manual labor. I am therefore very suspicious of religious power outside myself.

On a practical, life level, Christianity works for me. Christ's message to me seems to be one of love, forgiveness and acceptance. Christ released Gentiles from the strictures of the Old Testament. We can eat cheeseburgers and we can accept good people who happen to be gay. The important thing about believing in Christ is to be a good person and be good to other people. To care for people who are weaker than yourself. I'm no activist and I'm no nun, but I try to be this person in my personal life and in my attitudes towards others. Our charitable giving reflects this, too. Our largest donations go to organizations that help the very poor.

I also find it difficult to believe that the God who gave us His Son would punish other good, faithful people just because they were born to parents that don't believe in Him or in Christ. I believe that God rewards the good and punishes the bad, and yes, I happily apply Western Judeo-Christian values to good and bad and for that I don't feel any need to apologize.

My biggest religious regret, or whatever, is that I am not part of a religious community, though it is also hard to imagine where I would really fit. My Husband is Catholic. Though he has never clearly articulated his religion to me as I'm trying to describe my religious attitudes here, my impression is that his Catholicism is a lot like my born-again-Christianity, fraught with questions about the structure and the basis, and also deeply aware of the conflict between his otherwise fairly logical relationship to the world. At this time, our family does not make a place for worship beyond private prayer. I would like to find a church where I could worship and make that part of my life, but not strongly enough to try to get Husband interested in that, too, nor to try to figure out how to restructure our use of time to make it fit. Though I should say, Husband often goes to Mass on weekday mornings. I'm glad he does, and in the long run, when child rearing and other responsibilities in my life are less, will probably try to find a way to worship in a church somewhere and learn to be a part of a community of the faithful.

My other (related) problem is that my complicated relationship to religion makes me a terrible teacher of it. Husband complicates things by saying he wants the children to be Catholic, but by having many doubts about how much Catholicism he wants to inflict on them. So with AG33, I try to be as honest about my faith as possible, but I'm afraid that he probably things the whole thing is kind of abstract and weird.

Now. Aren't you glad you asked! :)

Comments

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

So, I have a confession to make forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I felt a completely knee-jerk revulsion for the term "born-again Christian", even though it was a post by you--someone I'd like to think I know, and someone I certainly trust and have gone to for advice about RL things before--so much so that I almost flipped right past this post. And then, immediately on the heels of that, I was appalled at myself. I have always tried not to judge people based on race or ethnicity, despite (or probably because of) my mother's casual racism coloring my childhood. I look for the best in people, and don't blame the color of their skin/their background/where they're from when they're not as stupidly over-educated and ridiculously liberal as me. I try to struggle against the elitist brush I know I get painted with, because I feel that not doing it makes me close-minded and hypocritical.

So why, pray tell, can I not treat people of different religious backgrounds from me with the same courtesy and respect? Is this just a different form of my mother's easy, thoughtless hatred? Assuming someday I have children, will I teach this to them, and will they be strong enough to fight against it? And then, if this cycle continues, who will they hate?

And no, I'm not going to defend myself by saying that it's just Christianity that I'm responding to, a religion one could say I have every reason to hate because of they way it's been used as a reason to persecute people like me on the basis of gender and religion (I may not be practicing, but the world will always look at me and see Jew) and sexual orientation. I'm not going to excuse myself, because then I have to excuse the people who hate all Muslims because of a few fanatics, or all Hispanics because of a few robberies in their neighborhood, or all gays--irrationally--because of a few bastards who prey on children.

I'm not exactly sure what my conclusion even is here, other than that I now feel like a terrible person. I think I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Don't feel like that!!!!

I knew I was putting in a provocative header.

And I know why you react that way. Because people who call themselves born again usually do it with the intention of announcing certain things about themselves. Certain very bad, negative things, as far as I'm concerned. And maybe I am using it wrong. But I thought the business of being born again was the act of consciously accepting Christ. Full stop. And I did that.

But that doesn't mean I am all that other (in my mind frankly anti-Christian) crap that born again people usually are. And in a way, I want people to know that. That there can be complexity and doubt and self-conscious soul searching in a person who does think of herself as Christian. That not every person who represents this faith is like *those* people.

All that ot say, I am not offended at all by you reaction, and I am so happy you decided to read anyway. I am also slightly laughing at myself and everyone else, wondering how many people DID skip the post. :D

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my internal dialogue when something like this: "[reaction I detailed above]!!! But it's CK, she writes graphic gay porn, there's more going on here."

And you're totally not using the term "born-again" the way I'm used to hearing it, but I've got no idea whether it's wrong, considering the connotations that totally don't apply to you. :P

I'm just mildly ashamed that I had that knee-jerk response, because I've been struggling to get past it for as long as I can remember.

(I also tried to do this meme, but since no one commented to give me topics, I never got to.)

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Considering how broadly I post, and how many TMI posts I have had, I was a little surprised to get a request, myself!

Yes. The graphic gay porn is probably some kind of barometer... :D

[melayneseahawk.livejournal.com]

Since I only post bits and pieces of things, I'm surprised no one wanted me to talk about my thoughts on religion, or why I'm such a pinko commie liberal, or something.

The graphic gay porn is probably some kind of barometer... :D

Yes, yes it is.

[princessofg.livejournal.com]

thank you so much for posting this. it's a truly fascinating thing to read. i am fascinated by these questions but so do not have the nerve to publish my spiritual biography, even in a welcoming place like this LJ tidepool.

*hugs*

[muck-a-luck.livejournal.com]

Dude. Religion and politics.

[seleneheart]

I have the same reaction to the term 'born-again' as mentioned above. I think you have it the sense that you rediscovered your faith on your own, after you had already been admitted to the church. I suppose that is the technical definition of it.

However, in this country, it has come to mean proselytizing and far-right religious nuts. I've talked to you enough to know that you didn't mean that, so I wasn't expecting anything like that when I clicked the cut. It's a sad thing that what should be an innocuous term has become so loaded with negative meaning. Unless someone is a far-right religious nut, then I guess it's a compliment.

[emeraldsword.livejournal.com]

been dithering about whether to post this or not because I don't want you to think I skipped by but I don't really have much to add! I was going to ask about the born-again name choice but you've already answered that in comments, and I don't have a religion of my own so I don't have a great deal to add. I do think religion and children are a tricky thing - if you raise them to it they don't get to choose but if you don't, they may not come to it which could give you a dilemma...

(um, I don't get much of a chance to use my 'God' icon so I'm using it now and hoping it doesn't offend you!)