Ah, local humor
Sep. 20th, 2006 03:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
muck_a_luckI'm pretty sure I posted this or something similar before.
It made me laugh out loud almost continuously, though most of the jokes are MD and I am suburban VA.
I deleted the offensive thing about getting directions that referred to ebonics. *is very PC*
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC, or
"the District" - only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks
old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete.
If in Loudoun (where I shop for groceries!) or Fairfax County (that's where I live!) and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C.
It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
All directions start with "The Beltway".. . which has no beginning and no
end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified
by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area. (I should have a button that says, I can explain the Inner and Outer Loop!)
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from
1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during
the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in
driving anywhere near PG (Prince Georges, for those not from here) County.
(Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro
or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a
seizure.)
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot
at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture"
you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as
the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of
them English.)
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant
for toilet paper and milk. (*glares at the person who did this as they are obviously a damn Yankee*)
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn
and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate, "
but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider
Montgomery County another state, which some do).
Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever
since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
Takoma Park".
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a
tourist.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.
All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure
World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
Don't ask why, no one knows.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50.
A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you
wouldn't understand) (Ha! Ha! So true!)
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous,
scariest thing you will ever do. (OMG! So true!)
There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising
along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered down right sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show.
Strap up and collect points as you go.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right
lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving
in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat"
lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at
whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
If it's 10 degrees, it's Nationals' (baseball) opening day. If it's 110 degrees,
it's the Skins (football, for my friends abroad) opening day.
If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June,
July, August and sometimes September. (And![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
alpha_strike says, really, I'll come there next summer for vacation!)
If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the
stadium lot. It's cheaper then getting towed or a citation.
By law, you're not allowed to walk on the "public" roads around the
stadium during game days.
It made me laugh out loud almost continuously, though most of the jokes are MD and I am suburban VA.
I deleted the offensive thing about getting directions that referred to ebonics. *is very PC*
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC, or
"the District" - only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks
old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete.
If in Loudoun (where I shop for groceries!) or Fairfax County (that's where I live!) and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C.
It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
All directions start with "The Beltway".. . which has no beginning and no
end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified
by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area. (I should have a button that says, I can explain the Inner and Outer Loop!)
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from
1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during
the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in
driving anywhere near PG (Prince Georges, for those not from here) County.
(Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro
or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a
seizure.)
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot
at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture"
you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as
the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of
them English.)
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant
for toilet paper and milk. (*glares at the person who did this as they are obviously a damn Yankee*)
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn
and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate, "
but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider
Montgomery County another state, which some do).
Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever
since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
Takoma Park".
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a
tourist.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.
All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure
World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
Don't ask why, no one knows.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50.
A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you
wouldn't understand) (Ha! Ha! So true!)
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous,
scariest thing you will ever do. (OMG! So true!)
There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising
along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered down right sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show.
Strap up and collect points as you go.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right
lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving
in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat"
lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at
whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
If it's 10 degrees, it's Nationals' (baseball) opening day. If it's 110 degrees,
it's the Skins (football, for my friends abroad) opening day.
If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June,
July, August and sometimes September. (And
alpha_strike says, really, I'll come there next summer for vacation!)If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the
stadium lot. It's cheaper then getting towed or a citation.
By law, you're not allowed to walk on the "public" roads around the
stadium during game days.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-09-20 08:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-20 08:33 pm (UTC)~Kris
no subject
Date: 2006-09-20 09:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-20 09:55 pm (UTC)All directions start with "The Beltway".. . which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
This one just made me laugh.
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
This one is so friggin true for Raleigh!
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.
For some reason I absolutely cannot fathom, misting rain slows people to a 5mph crawl where I want to scream than I can walk faster and get out and push them out of the way. However, a torential downpour means you should floor it as if hell itself were on your ass. The mind...it boggles. And coming from Bama, snow causes a 200 point drop in IQ and all Wal-Mart stores are emptied of goods in record time; bread, milk, batteries are horded and sold to the highest bidder upon signature in blood; and cults are set up for the Second Coming/Armageddon.