muck_a_luck

From the BBC sitcom "Coupling." Episode 4, series 1, "Inferno"

Set-up: Steve and Susan are having a dinner party. Susan has seen Steve's tape "Lesbian Spank Inferno." Steve says it's "erotica." Susan says it's "porn." Susan challenges Steve to explain how it is erotica.

Susan: Tell everyone here, in a reasonable amount of detail, the story of "Lesbian Spank Inferno." Come on! Tell us the moving tale of the fifteen spanking lesbians!"

Steve: OK, um. "Lesbian Spank Inferno" opens with five lesbian filmmakers, a collective, you might say, who are having a competition to see who can make the best lesbian film.

Susan: Filmmakers?

Steve: Yup. Independent filmmakers.

Susan: Meaning?

Steve: Meaning they're not the kind of girls who want to deal with the studio bosses, the focus groups, all that industry schmoozing...

Susan: Meaning they've got cameras in their bedrooms.

Steve: So neatly avoiding the whole studio system.

Susan: Very clever!

Steve: Yes. So, during the opening act of the film they're meeting up to see each other's films and (pause) see who (pause) did the best one.

Sally: And I'm guessing we see...all the films?

Steve: Exactly! We...we see each film...within the film, as the (long awkward pause) tension mounts.

Jill: Do all those films have plots, too?

Steve: Well, well, no, they're more sort of (pause) mood pieces.

Susan: Expressionistic?

Steve: Very much so.

Jeff: (snickering) At the top of their voices!

Steve: (loudly) Yes, thank you, Jeff, you can stop helping me now.

Steve: So, ah, basically, um, they watch the films. They pick a winner. That's the movie. There you go.

Susan: And what does the winner get? Isn't she presented with a trophy or something?

Steve: Oh. Well. Yeah, yeah, she gets a sort of trophy, yeah.

Jeff: (confused) A trophy? (understanding dawns) Oh, that!

Susan: What kind of trophy?

Jeff: (gleefully) Three speeds!

Steve: Yes, you can stop helping me now, Jeff!

Patrick: What about the spanking? Not a lot of spanking there, you know.

Steve: Yes, thank you for bringing that up, Patrick! God knows, it might have slipped by unnoticed!

Patrick: (smugly) No problem!

Sally: So, the spanking, then!

Steve: (After very long pause) Well, um, as a spur to future excellence amongst the lesbian film collective, they decide that the loser, the one who made the worst film, (long pause,then quietly) better have a bit of a spanking.

Sally: She must be a bit pissed off.

Steve: Oddly enought she suggests it.

Sally: She suggests it...

Steve: She's very dedicated.

Jane: Oh, it's not much of an inferno, though, is it? One person?

Steve: It goes on a bit.

Susan: Why is that, exactly? A very strict collective, is it?

Steve: (Pause) Well, she keeps saying, "Ooooo! Don't stop."

Jill: (slightly drunk) Whyyyyyy?

Steve: I think she feels quite badly about her film.

Susan: Still not much of an inferno, Steve!

Steve: Well, then the winner says: "Ooooo! I want a spanking, too!"

Jill: Whyy?

Susan: Two people. Still not much of an inferno!

Steve: Well...then they all decide that they want a bit of a spanking.

Jill: Yes, but whyyy?

Steve: Sisterhood???

I love it!

As a spur to future excellence! *snortle*

I think she feels quite badly about her film! LMAO