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Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015 12:12 pm
This morning, as an orator, I outdid myself.

As background, yesterday, 48 hours from announced closing, we were notified that what we had been told was a fixed rate loan was in fact an ARM. I was peeved, because that meant they needed revisions to about 8 documents, and I was busy with other stuff.

This morning, Associate is reviewing a new loan I'm drafting and he says "Do we know that this is just SuchandSuch PLACE and not SuchandSuch Place APARTMENTS?"

I said, "Well, it says Place on the one-sheet, the application, and the underwriting e-mail. So I assume it is just Place. But they could pull another name out of their butt. I mean..."

And here is my oratorical triumph...

..."they pulled an ARM out of their butt yesterday..."

I am crying laughing now just typing that.

(And it turned out to be SuchandSuch Place Townhome Apartments. Just because I know you were in suspense.)
muck_a_luck: (Default)
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015 06:26 am
I object to the name of this corporate entity. It is EVEN WORSE than that one entity that was a random mix of uppercase letters and punctuation. Please do not use your bank account password for your entity name. And I advise against using your entity name as your account password, as that is too guessable. But this one is worse. Imagine if your 3-year-old My Little Pony fan named your entity. After discussing the name with her imaginary friend, Tinkerbell. *glowers*
muck_a_luck: (Scared)
Friday, March 20th, 2015 09:16 am draft a deal when the borrower is a five-member TIC.

Remember the days, when I used to whine about crazy spouses and people who couldn't answer their questionnaires completely?

Ah, the good old days, when at least my whining could be vaguely interesting to other people - a few salacious details here and there. Maybe a life lesson to pass along to my friends.

Nope. Now my whining consists of complaining about business entity structure and form documents.


In any case, the fiscal year needs to flip because I'm not allowed to whine about my software needs until we are in a new budget cycle, and I cannot bleep out enough expletives to express how much I need Hot Docs. The agony of the five member TIC would be so greatly reduced if I could just set up a template for it so it could draft itself.
muck_a_luck: (Default)
Thursday, February 19th, 2015 09:04 am
Here's me stomping into Associate's office with five operating agreements and a TIC agreement.

"I'm here to be irate."
muck_a_luck: (Default)
Thursday, February 19th, 2015 08:41 am
I got an awesome new cellmate in August. She is also a paralegal, and we share a pod. She needs an awesome code name for my journling. *ponders* How about Awesome, Amazing K, or AAK for short? Ha. Yes. I like it.

Anyway, from the brain trust that is me and AAK, yesterday afternoon.

Me: So what's the rude girly version of "Bros before hos?"
AAK [thinks]: Chicks before dicks. [She later said better "Sisters before misters," but I think if they get to call me a ho, then I get to call them dicks.]
Me: So what's the cookies/fruit version of that?
AAK: I guess it depends what kind of sugar you like.
Me [thinks]: Sucrose before fructose.

You're welcome. :D
muck_a_luck: (Default)
Friday, December 20th, 2013 07:30 pm
Boss has a good friend who works at a major national firm. They have been SWAMPED by huge real estate deals. They really needed TWO paralegals to get them through the end of the year. Boss put me forward as a candidate for a temporary position helping them get the paper out the door. They were very enthusiastic in the interview on December 4, and seemed very nice, but then it took them until December 16 to come back with an offer.

After two days negotiating the offer, we came to a conclusion that worked for me. I'm working for Boss a couple of hours before I take The Barbarian to school, then catching the 9am bus to the train and thence to McPhearson Station. The building is a block off K Street. :) Then I'm coming home on the 4pm train.

My first day was yesterday. They were trying to get NINE deals out the door. These are major transactions for multi-million dollar apartment buildings. The buyer only delivered the necessary final information the day before. They were very stressed. My main partner in crime hugged me like her long-lost sister when she met me. Other people said, "You're here!" and at least one person said, "You're real?!" Another person, finding out who I was working for, blessed me with the sign of the cross.

It's busy, and hectic, at least at the moment, and folks are clearly stressed, but everybody seems very nice, and they are certainly happy to see me!

Amusing me yesterday, the office administrator is easily six, possibly even eight, inches taller than me. As she showed me around the office, I was STARING UP at her, towering over me. Then I met my main Partner-in-Crime, and she is TINY. Probably five inches shorter than me. So I spent the rest of the day towering over her. :D
muck_a_luck: (Wrench)
Tuesday, August 13th, 2013 12:00 pm
This client called this morning. I find dealing with her very distressing. She is one of these people who spins out every hypothetical thing that can go wrong, then demands a legal opinion on it. And if she can't go to Boss, she comes to me. I cannot advise her, I am not a lawyer. But she will rephrase, or just plain repeat her questions that I decline to answer, as if somehow asking it will get me to tell her that her legal idea is correct. She also goes to other sources besides Boss for legal advice, then asks me to evaluate said legal advice. She talks on and on, the same concept over and over, compulsively. It is nearly impossible to get her off the phone once she starts. And every conversation begins with an extended rehash of her anxieties about the divorce process and ends with an extended reiteration by me of what the remaining steps are and the timeline.

I try to be a sympathetic ear and a useful resource to clients, to the greatest extent possible, and people are always telling Boss how wonderful I am, but with this woman, it has gotten to the point that I have to just be rude. I just don't take her call more than once a day, or if I have ANYTHING else to do. When I do talk to her now, sometimes I cut her off and say, "You already said that" and other times I say, "What are you proposing we do?" and when I finish I just flatly say, "I will tell Boss what you said and have him call you back." And sometimes the phone call becomes 15 minutes of her blabbing and me saying, "I will tell Boss what you said and have him call you back" on a repeating loop that seems like it will never end, because she won't hang up the fucking phone. It's all I can do to not just shout at her to SHUT UP!

After dealing with her for all these months, I actually hate this woman now.

A few weeks ago, I was trying to process her final paperwork, which should have been easy, but everything went wrong. I figured out a way for Boss to sign documents while he was in Europe. Then I went to the courthouse for a couple of items I needed that were not in the file. I had not been to the courthouse on a client matter in a year. Possibly two. But I went because I was DESPERATE to get this thing done and I didn't want to have to wait on the mail to turn it around.

I hand-filed everything with great relief.

And a new judge rejected it on the basis of bad process service. The process service was fine. The judge must be high. I actually had to leave my computer and take a walk when I realized that we would have to start over FROM THE BEGINNING. I may have laughed a little hysterically. I eventually ended up in the living room where Husband, home from work, was playing a violent video game, hoping to get to watch him kill some guys, or even to offer to kill some guys for him, and I complained that he was NOT HELPING ME by being in some calm, exploratory part of the game and not blowing stuff up. He said he was sorry.

Boss has been dealing with her. We have addressed all her reasonable anxieties and there is a relatively quick way to get past this after all, without starting over from the beginning, but she is having a freak out and keeps calling with new ideas and scenarios, and today, when I was talking to her, not even trying not to be rude, I almost cried.

I hate her so, so much.
muck_a_luck: (Default)
Tuesday, August 6th, 2013 07:51 am
Look. I know I have your number in your file or in my rolodex or on some computer software. It takes THREE SECONDS to say your damned number. Just say it in the fucking voice mail so I can scribble it down and call you back without 17 extra steps. JHC, how fucking hard is it to say 10 fucking numbers?
muck_a_luck: (Smiley Boromir)
Thursday, July 11th, 2013 11:34 am
I was just editing a document and muttered to myself, "So who does she really work for?" Wow. My life suddenly has spy movie dialog. :D
muck_a_luck: (Asses to kick)
Tuesday, June 11th, 2013 01:37 pm
The subpoena went out on June 4.

TIAA/CREF replied with a letter dated June 5 and 54 pages of enclosures.

Documents received by Boss on June 10.

"Upwards of an hour" my ass. *flips off opposing counsel*
muck_a_luck: (Right)
Monday, June 10th, 2013 10:13 am
We have a form we have to fill out that goes to the Virginia Department of Health for every divorce. It includes a place to list the race of each spouse.

We request this information from our clients on our intake form. Boss's policy is to put into the boxes whatever the client puts. If they say white or black or Caucasian or African-American or Asian or Chinese or whatever they put, it's what I put.

So, this one SUPER ANNOYING client never returned the questionnaire, so filling in every form has been an annoyance. This particular form has been like PULLING NAILS, because I SENT the form to her and asked her to fill in the pieces I didn't know, and she responded with three of the nine missing pieces. I wasn't paying attention. So I took my three new facts, went back to the form, STILL CAN'T COMPLETE IT. So I asked her for the two more facts I hadn't realized were missing. Went back to the form. STILL CAN'T COMPLETE IT. JHC. I really only have myself to blame for my annoyance. When I saw she had not completely answered it the first time, I should have checked the whole thing, not stopped when I saw the two things. Whatever. I will now tell myself that if more people could correctly fill out forms with things like THEIR BIRTH NAME and THEIR PLACE OF BIRTH, I would be out of a job.

Anyway, one question was her husband's race. Apparently, he lists himself as white but she's "not sure" about that, because both of his parents are from a country in the Middle East.

I guess that's not white enough for her.
muck_a_luck: (Right)
Friday, June 7th, 2013 06:39 am
So. This guy, he's got a TIAA/CREF account that we're trying to divide in a divorce.

His lawyer can't get information out of TIAA/CREF about the plan administrator (this is needed to get the asset divided). She spent "upwards of an hour" trying to find this out. A quarter million dollar asset, and she spent "upwards of an hour," but she couldn't find anything out!

So this guy, he goes to TIAA/CREF at some physical location. He tries to talk to someone there to access his account. He has photo ID with him. However, they kept refusing to answer any questions about his account, because he couldn't remember some password he created. He left in defeat.

Boss thinks, hey, they've lost the asset, and puts me on the trail on an urgent basis. In one phone call, I established that TIAA/CREF has this weird "oral password." If you don't know it, you can show up in person, with three forms of ID, your mother swearing on a stack of bibles, and a DNA sample, and it doesn't matter. If you don't have the oral password, YOUR ACCOUNT IS SECURE!!! YOU CANNOT LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!

And here's the part I love...



*eyes TIAA/CREF*

So, you can't take your photo ID and do this password removal procedure in person at a TIAA/CREF office. Impressive.

And meanwhile, in lawyer land...

I think lawyers sometimes forget how to lawyer. I, the paralegal, raised my hand and said, "Um. Did she do a subpoena?" I whipped one up in about 10 minutes, it was out via fax to TIAA/CREF within the hour. We should have all the documents inside of 3 weeks.

This is what the lawyers pay us for. I know the secret of this guy's account security and plus we don't need the guy to cooperate anymore, and I spent "upwards of 20 minutes" to find those things out. I guess when you include the subpoena and discussion with Boss, I did, in the end, spend "upwards of an hour" on the problem.
muck_a_luck: (Default)
Thursday, April 25th, 2013 12:31 pm
One final divorce decree with a very confusing child support clause. These clauses are critical, and I'm trying very hard to make something up that won't get it kicked back with a postcard from the clerk saying "Nice try."

One name change petition and order for a minor. I always think it is hilarious when the parents have to state under oath that their 8-month-old has not been convicted of any felony. "He is not presently incarcerated or a probationer with any court." *snortle*

Rio Grand County, Texas, just called and hung up. I am suddenly concerned. *peers out the sliding door for some kind of large vehicle*
muck_a_luck: (Outer Banks)
Wednesday, April 17th, 2013 07:00 pm
You may or may not be aware that our lease ran out (finally!) and Boss and I are now working in a virutal office environment, each from our respective homes. So far, so good, though I'm particularly having concerns about the changes in our banking routines.

Today, while working, I looked down at the cat in my lap. There was a huge, long white human hair on her fur. Haha! REVENGE! :D
muck_a_luck: (Scared)
Wednesday, March 27th, 2013 07:17 pm
While I was at work today, everything was mostly good, though I chose the wrong day to drop in on the new office. Plus the new office came to me a couple of times. That killed probably the better part of a productive hour. But still, while I was working, I was good.

But now, I think I am having a minor anxiety attack. Honestly. I am not kidding. The safe has not been dealt with, and I will probably have to spend the next two days doing that. I don't have time for that shit. And don't even talk to me about this [expletive deleted] of Boss getting the Craigslist communications instead of them coming to me directly. Why the [expletive deleted] don't these idiots contact me directly at my e-mail or phone number if they are trying to make arrangements to come in the next four hours?

I have client files completely backed up. I'm probably two weeks behind on client work. I'm desparately trying to get billing caught up so I can move money so I can pay us. But I need to do little things like establish a USPS account so I can send mail (done today) and get new business cards for Boss, and do formal changes of address everywhere (will do this after I finish physically moving). And I still have five major pieces of office furniture to get rid off ASIDE from the safe. And tomorrow I have to drive to Boss's home in DC with a bookshelf, which is going to knock 2 productive hours off the day, I bet.

It's all small, but I have two days left and it's freaking me out. Some.
muck_a_luck: (Wrench)
Wednesday, March 20th, 2013 01:01 pm
Wow. I think if this opposing counsel walked in the door right this second I would get up and calmly break her nose.

Well, not calmly. Probably there would be a lot of screeching on my part about her lazy-assed discovery responses AND exhibit list.
muck_a_luck: (Asses to kick)
Friday, March 8th, 2013 11:05 am
OK, somebody smells like they have been scouring the bathroom. Which is going to get on my nerves pretty damned quick, because I don't think they have been doing that, I think it is someone's rancid, over-applied perfume.

Seriously, that is THE ONE THING I will not miss when I move out of this office.
muck_a_luck: (Default)
Thursday, March 7th, 2013 02:19 pm
Meanwhile, in crazy CK land.

Boss met with this guy. I thought he was either Russian or Israeli. He refused to fill out a questionnaire or leave any copies of any of his documents. No e-mail communication.

Boss now does not remember him.

I can't find his appointment on our calendar, which probably means he came in spontaneously the day he called.

I can't find any billing on him, which probably means Boss lost his time sheet or didn't write anything about it because the guy is a legal plan client.

Boss can't find any notes on him. This may mean he lost the notes the same way he lost the timesheet.

I said to Boss:


Boss replied: "I think that's a fringe benefit of a certain employer along 123 who will remain nameless.*"


*Langley is "along 123." And we all know the entity that is in Langley, correct?
muck_a_luck: (Scared)
Thursday, March 7th, 2013 02:17 pm
OK. This couple has screwy checks.

Where their names appear in bold, they also bolded the abbreviatino VADL. It is in all caps, the same font and boldness as their names, so I always read it as part of their name. My clients, Mr. and Mrs. Vadl.

VADL = Virginia Driver's License.


I hate Mr. and Mrs. Vadl.
muck_a_luck: (Smiley Boromir)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2013 12:23 pm
The lawyers are eating lunch in the kitchen.

One was ranting: "But I NON-SUITED YOU!!!!!"

Then, another one yelled: "OBJECTION SUSTAINED MOVING ON!"

I wonder if they have been having a difficult time with the judges lately?

"Apparently, you can't object in depositions anymore..."

Anyway, the CPA has arrived to join them, so maybe less shouting shop talk now.